Suffice it to say the last month or so has been overwhelmingly awful. My butt has been kicked from health to finances to emotions. To top it all off, I've got my period, and a stupid mosquito just bit me to steal some much needed blood. So tonight, I will be drinking wine. Hope that darn mosquito got a big gulp too and has managed to fly into a wall somewhere, because my reflexes were already slowed enough to miss smacking it!
I suppose saying that I will be drinking wine is really not truthful. Perhaps I am drinking wine would be closer to the mark. Even closer to the mark would be that I have consumed 2 glasses of wine. Thank goodness for spell check.
So I will share a funny from my wonderful son, Collin, because laughter has been a hard to find comodity around these here parts the last few days. Collin has special needs and can often be defiant and emotional. He can be a handful and a half, but along with all his struggles comes a sense of humor that seems to mature each day.
Today, the Tom Sawyer and Huck Finn books were brought up in passing. I remember reading those books and just loving them. So, when Collin and I were talking about this summer, I told him we needed to get him those books to read. Thankfully, this child has inherited a love of books from both myself and Chris.
So he asked me a bit about the books. I told him the basics, and he got a huge smile on his face. I couldn't tell exactly what was going on behind those lovely big big brown eyes and lopsided smile beyond the fact that he was obviously thinking something mischievous. So he asked me, "Does Tom get in a lot of trouble?" I laughed and said, "Yes!" His grin got even bigger when he replied, "Sounds like the book for me." Funny boy! Now, however, I'm not sure if those books were the best idea. I'm afraid that he will start reading them to his two younger brothers and it will all be downhill from there. LOL!
The last day of school is tomorrow. Three wild boys, all day long, is that not a frightening thought? The oldest has a broken arm, special needs, and a seizure disorder. The middle is the most mischevious sneaky monkey I know. The youngest is not far behind in trouble level from the other two, and he has two of the bluest biggest most beautiful blue eyes and he's not afraid to use them to his advantage. Can you say I'm in way over my head?
I'm already shaking in my boots. Not a lot of money, so all entertainment must be free or cheep. So there are playgrounds. There are walks on the wildlife refuge. There are arts and crafts and board games. There is the library for books and tapes. So, hmm, the first week of summer is covered! Only 7 more to go!
Thankfully, my most wonderful and adored parents will be taken Jack for a week, and Collin and Thomas have decided that they want to go together. Okay, so now we are down to 5 weeks with all three of the little darlings.
For the first time ever, all three of my boys will be going to full day camp for two whole weeks. I have no idea what I am going to do with those two weeks! I have a feeling that I will probably spend the first few days driving around the parking lot worried about my youngest! But that's two more weeks down.
That leaves 3 more weeks. One of those weeks, we will spend 3 days camping. So now we are down to two more weeks. I think I can, I think I can, I think I can last the last couple of weeks without totally losing my mind. Of course, there will have to be a few more bottles of wine along the way.
I have a feeling there will be many many more blog posts about our summer and how I'm going to survive the testosteron toxicity that exists in a house with 3 boys, a husband, 1 male dog, and 2 male cats. Please send some estrogen this way?
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
And just when I thought it was safe...
I got a call at work this afternoon from the school nurse. This is never a good type of call to get. Usually the only call from school I dread worse than that one is the call from the principal. Those calls never seem to go well either when you have a special needs child with impulse control issues.
The nurse, who understands the stress case I've been since Collin was diagnosed with a seizure disorder said in one breath, "This is the nurse Collin is fine, but...." But? Oh please, no buts! I hate buts. The but was that he fell off the swings and hurt his wrist. I asked if I should pick him up, and she said no, she just wanted to make sure I was alright with giving him Tylenol and she'd call me in 30 minutes and let me know. So 20 minutes later, she called back to say he needed an x-ray. Not again!!
By not again, I refer to the infamous adventure Collin had last year, right at the beginning of summer. He decided that jumping down the 7 steps into the living room would be a good idea. After all, flying down the stairs is certainly faster than walking. Really, could you fault his logic? He unfortunately did not take into account the fact that the landing strip was not clear. He hit a shoe as he came in for a landing and fell on his wrist. SNAP!
But, his reaction following this break, has already become the stuff of legend in our family. As he was laying on the floor in my arms crying that it hurt, I told him that daddy would be home soon to take him to the ER. He plaintively cried, "But you made sausage for dinner!" So, as we waited for Chris to get home, I fed him like a little bird. He wouldn't leave without a container of sausage.
But it only gets better from there. When they got to the ER, there was a teenage girl who was really sick. She was throwing up non-stop into a bucket in the waiting room. Collin sat almost directly across from her, and suddenly saw that Home Alone was playing. He plopped himself contentedly in front of the large tv where he preceded to happily eat his sausage, cmpletely oblivious of the poor girl who is hurling a few feet away! Ahh, the silver lining of being easily distractd.
Moral of the story, sausage heals all wounds. OK, not exactly, maybe when it rains it pours? Or perhaps, people can't fly down the stairs or off the swings? Perhaps there is not a moral. Perhaps it's simply life. I just wish life would go a little easier on Collin.
The nurse, who understands the stress case I've been since Collin was diagnosed with a seizure disorder said in one breath, "This is the nurse Collin is fine, but...." But? Oh please, no buts! I hate buts. The but was that he fell off the swings and hurt his wrist. I asked if I should pick him up, and she said no, she just wanted to make sure I was alright with giving him Tylenol and she'd call me in 30 minutes and let me know. So 20 minutes later, she called back to say he needed an x-ray. Not again!!
By not again, I refer to the infamous adventure Collin had last year, right at the beginning of summer. He decided that jumping down the 7 steps into the living room would be a good idea. After all, flying down the stairs is certainly faster than walking. Really, could you fault his logic? He unfortunately did not take into account the fact that the landing strip was not clear. He hit a shoe as he came in for a landing and fell on his wrist. SNAP!
But, his reaction following this break, has already become the stuff of legend in our family. As he was laying on the floor in my arms crying that it hurt, I told him that daddy would be home soon to take him to the ER. He plaintively cried, "But you made sausage for dinner!" So, as we waited for Chris to get home, I fed him like a little bird. He wouldn't leave without a container of sausage.
But it only gets better from there. When they got to the ER, there was a teenage girl who was really sick. She was throwing up non-stop into a bucket in the waiting room. Collin sat almost directly across from her, and suddenly saw that Home Alone was playing. He plopped himself contentedly in front of the large tv where he preceded to happily eat his sausage, cmpletely oblivious of the poor girl who is hurling a few feet away! Ahh, the silver lining of being easily distractd.
Moral of the story, sausage heals all wounds. OK, not exactly, maybe when it rains it pours? Or perhaps, people can't fly down the stairs or off the swings? Perhaps there is not a moral. Perhaps it's simply life. I just wish life would go a little easier on Collin.
Monday, June 15, 2009
My best friend had a baby this morning!
I just got a call from my best friend! She's a mama for the first time. I'm so giddy that I don't even know what to do. I'm 5 hours away, but I want to get in the car and drive there immediately. Unfortunately that is going to have to wait.
She is the best friend who cries when you cry, and then makes you laugh. She is the best friend that you can share any immature nasty thought that you would never admit to anyone else . She is the best friend who laughs as hard as you do at something that other people wouldn't find the least bit amusing. She never tells you to suck it up. She never disregards your feelings. She is supportive in your successes and failures. She makes my life a happier lighter place to be.
Lisa and I have been best friends for over 20 years. But things did not get off to a good start. She walked into my 6th grade class loudly exclaiming over whether or not her lipstick was strait and if her hair was alright while preening in front of a little mirror she kept in her purse. For me, it was annoyance at first glance.
She was petite and cute. I was lanky and awkward. She had these beautiful bouncy curls. My hair was a strait as a stick. She had grown up near a city. I was a country girl. She was outgoing and talkative. I was quiet and brooding. She was into boys. I was into books. This girl was the antithesis of all that was me.
To my dismay, she quickly made friends with my friends, and I was forced to interact with her. To say that I rolled my eyes often at her antics would be an understatement. But I learned to tolerate her and even grudgingly began to get a kick out of her bubblyness.
Then, literally, overnight we became best friends. We both went to a sleepover party of one of my good friends. We giggled and laughed half the night. I still remember some of the goofy things that went on that night. To this day, we still have a private joke that came out of her sleep talking. And that was the beginning of our best friendship.
As time went on, we were still best friends, but our interests began to diverge. I was drawn towards math and science. She was drawn to writing. I played field hockey. She was a cheerleader. Her friends and my friends changed as well. I was a rule follower and she was more likely to push the limits. But through it all, she was still my best friend.
We went to different colleges and Lisa finally had the freedom to really go wild! She partied heavily and all that entails. She'd call me and tell me what she had been up to and I would get incredibly exasperated. Didn't she know she could "DIE!" from that stuff. She'd just laugh, and I suspect, enjoy my reaction. She did things that I would never have tried. But deep down, I lived vicariously through some of her adventures. I even laughed at her stories when I wanted to yell at her. But through it all, she was still my best friend.
As the years have passed, Lisa has calmed down a bit. I've loosened up a bit, and I think occassionally I even surprise her. She was the first one I called when I found out I was pregnant with Collin. Chris and I weren't married at the time and I was on the pill. She was astounded, but in her typical amazingly supportive way she told me that she would support me no matter what I decided to do. The next words out of her mouth made me laugh through my fear. "This shouldn't happen to you. This should have happened to me!" Ah-Ha! I had finally outdone her. LOL!
When I had Collin, our paths again diverged. I was married with a child. She was still single. I was a stay at home mom. She was a career driven woman. I was pregnant with my second child, as she was marrying her wonderful husband. My pregnancies came incredibly quickly and easily. She had to work for hers. My oldest child is 10 and her oldest isn't even a day old. But through this all, she will remain my very best friend. And I will get the opportunity to live vicariously through her again as she enters into an adventure I have never had: raising a little girl!!
Congratulations, Mama! I love you!
She is the best friend who cries when you cry, and then makes you laugh. She is the best friend that you can share any immature nasty thought that you would never admit to anyone else . She is the best friend who laughs as hard as you do at something that other people wouldn't find the least bit amusing. She never tells you to suck it up. She never disregards your feelings. She is supportive in your successes and failures. She makes my life a happier lighter place to be.
Lisa and I have been best friends for over 20 years. But things did not get off to a good start. She walked into my 6th grade class loudly exclaiming over whether or not her lipstick was strait and if her hair was alright while preening in front of a little mirror she kept in her purse. For me, it was annoyance at first glance.
She was petite and cute. I was lanky and awkward. She had these beautiful bouncy curls. My hair was a strait as a stick. She had grown up near a city. I was a country girl. She was outgoing and talkative. I was quiet and brooding. She was into boys. I was into books. This girl was the antithesis of all that was me.
To my dismay, she quickly made friends with my friends, and I was forced to interact with her. To say that I rolled my eyes often at her antics would be an understatement. But I learned to tolerate her and even grudgingly began to get a kick out of her bubblyness.
Then, literally, overnight we became best friends. We both went to a sleepover party of one of my good friends. We giggled and laughed half the night. I still remember some of the goofy things that went on that night. To this day, we still have a private joke that came out of her sleep talking. And that was the beginning of our best friendship.
As time went on, we were still best friends, but our interests began to diverge. I was drawn towards math and science. She was drawn to writing. I played field hockey. She was a cheerleader. Her friends and my friends changed as well. I was a rule follower and she was more likely to push the limits. But through it all, she was still my best friend.
We went to different colleges and Lisa finally had the freedom to really go wild! She partied heavily and all that entails. She'd call me and tell me what she had been up to and I would get incredibly exasperated. Didn't she know she could "DIE!" from that stuff. She'd just laugh, and I suspect, enjoy my reaction. She did things that I would never have tried. But deep down, I lived vicariously through some of her adventures. I even laughed at her stories when I wanted to yell at her. But through it all, she was still my best friend.
As the years have passed, Lisa has calmed down a bit. I've loosened up a bit, and I think occassionally I even surprise her. She was the first one I called when I found out I was pregnant with Collin. Chris and I weren't married at the time and I was on the pill. She was astounded, but in her typical amazingly supportive way she told me that she would support me no matter what I decided to do. The next words out of her mouth made me laugh through my fear. "This shouldn't happen to you. This should have happened to me!" Ah-Ha! I had finally outdone her. LOL!
When I had Collin, our paths again diverged. I was married with a child. She was still single. I was a stay at home mom. She was a career driven woman. I was pregnant with my second child, as she was marrying her wonderful husband. My pregnancies came incredibly quickly and easily. She had to work for hers. My oldest child is 10 and her oldest isn't even a day old. But through this all, she will remain my very best friend. And I will get the opportunity to live vicariously through her again as she enters into an adventure I have never had: raising a little girl!!
Congratulations, Mama! I love you!
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Adventures in food sensitivities!
A few years ago, we had my oldest son, Collin, tested for food allergies and sensitivities. You can imagine our dismay when we found out that he was highly sensitive to gluten, eggs, and dairy. Yikes! All I could do for the rest of that day was to stand in the kitchen and look with dismay at all the food he could no longer eat. Neither of us were pleased with the situation, to say the least.
Chris and I decided that all the kids would go on the same diet just to make things simpler. I figured out a million different ways to serve meat, veggies, fruit and rice. But no matter what great eaters my kids were that diet got old fast. So we started branching out.
We explored different prepared foods that met our needs. We found bread that could be used to build the third little pig's house. I put on that fake smile and sugary voice the first time I served it to the boys. "Look what I've got for you! It's toast!" Thankfully, their bread cravings were so intense at that point that they happily ate it. I quietly spit it out into my hand and fed the rest to the dog.
Next, we tried a few different types of cookies, and they were a hit too. We found soy yogurt that they liked. Granola type bars they could bring to lunch! Cake mixes! Pretzels! I was doing the happy dance of joy in the middle of a Whole Foods aisle.
And then it all came crashing down. Umm, no way! That can't be the price for 2 bags of food. Are you sure someone else's food isn't coming up on my bill? Positive? There was no happy joy dancing in the check out lane that day. Within a couple of days, Jack, Collin, and Thomas, had devoured all the treats I had bought for them.
Now what? Off to google recipes I went. I found a lot of recipes for gluten free food. I found recipes for egg free food and recipes for dairy free foods. Occasionally, I would hit a home run and find a recipe that would cover all three bases. Again with the dancing. But after having bought all the ingredients, my shopping bill was only slightly lower than when I was buying things already prepared. This was getting old fast!
So more research, more experimenting, more failures, and a few successes. The first time I tried to make chocolate chip cookies, the dough spread out into a thin sheet of cookie batter that preceded to burn to a crisp. I had a few choice words at that point. But not all was lost. We found out that even if the cookies didn't work, the cookie dough was still pretty good. There were no eggs in it, so totally safe to eat raw! The boys and I drowned our sadness over the loss of the cookies in a big bowl of cookie dough.
I finally started having some luck substituting things into recipes in order to make some great baked goods. After having a few successes, I bit the bullet and started buying gluten free all purpose flour in bulk. That saved me a bundle.
I am constantly working on perfecting new recipes or adapting recipes that I've found to meet our needs. I often come across recipes that meet our needs, but they are so complicated that it'd take all day to prepare. I know that I won't use a recipe over and over again if it takes me more than 30 minutes to put it together, not including cook time. So, I thought I'd share a recipe that has become a favorite in our household.
Chris and I decided that all the kids would go on the same diet just to make things simpler. I figured out a million different ways to serve meat, veggies, fruit and rice. But no matter what great eaters my kids were that diet got old fast. So we started branching out.
We explored different prepared foods that met our needs. We found bread that could be used to build the third little pig's house. I put on that fake smile and sugary voice the first time I served it to the boys. "Look what I've got for you! It's toast!" Thankfully, their bread cravings were so intense at that point that they happily ate it. I quietly spit it out into my hand and fed the rest to the dog.
Next, we tried a few different types of cookies, and they were a hit too. We found soy yogurt that they liked. Granola type bars they could bring to lunch! Cake mixes! Pretzels! I was doing the happy dance of joy in the middle of a Whole Foods aisle.
And then it all came crashing down. Umm, no way! That can't be the price for 2 bags of food. Are you sure someone else's food isn't coming up on my bill? Positive? There was no happy joy dancing in the check out lane that day. Within a couple of days, Jack, Collin, and Thomas, had devoured all the treats I had bought for them.
Now what? Off to google recipes I went. I found a lot of recipes for gluten free food. I found recipes for egg free food and recipes for dairy free foods. Occasionally, I would hit a home run and find a recipe that would cover all three bases. Again with the dancing. But after having bought all the ingredients, my shopping bill was only slightly lower than when I was buying things already prepared. This was getting old fast!
So more research, more experimenting, more failures, and a few successes. The first time I tried to make chocolate chip cookies, the dough spread out into a thin sheet of cookie batter that preceded to burn to a crisp. I had a few choice words at that point. But not all was lost. We found out that even if the cookies didn't work, the cookie dough was still pretty good. There were no eggs in it, so totally safe to eat raw! The boys and I drowned our sadness over the loss of the cookies in a big bowl of cookie dough.
I finally started having some luck substituting things into recipes in order to make some great baked goods. After having a few successes, I bit the bullet and started buying gluten free all purpose flour in bulk. That saved me a bundle.
I am constantly working on perfecting new recipes or adapting recipes that I've found to meet our needs. I often come across recipes that meet our needs, but they are so complicated that it'd take all day to prepare. I know that I won't use a recipe over and over again if it takes me more than 30 minutes to put it together, not including cook time. So, I thought I'd share a recipe that has become a favorite in our household.
Yummy Applesauce Craisin Muffins
1 1/2 cups gluten free all purpose flour
1/2 tsp xanthum gum
1/4 cup ground flax seed
1/3 cup sugar
2 tsps baking powder
1 tsp baking soda
1/4 tsp salt
1/3 cup vegetable oil
1 1/2 cups apple sauce
2 TBS ground flax seed in 1/2 cup water (this replaces the 2 eggs in this recipe)
1 cup craisins or nuts or both
Preheat oven to 350
Combine dry ingredients in one bowl.
Combine wet ingredients in another bowl.
Mix them together
Put them in muffin tins (I have actually used this same recipe to make bread)
Bake for 20-25 minutes for regular size muffins, 12-15 min. for small muffins, and 45-55 min. for bread.
Now, for a treat, you can top these with apple crisp topping before baking. I wing it with a combination of dairy free butter, sugar, GF flour, and cinnamon. I cut it all together until it's crumbly and then sprinkle it over the muffins before putting them in the oven. YUM!
I'll probably throw in a recipe here and there to fill up the days when I don't have anything more exciting to write!
Saturday, June 13, 2009
What does "Walking the Tightrope" mean?
I probably should have started my blog by telling you why I named it "Walking the Tightrope." So here it is. The intimate look inside my head. So buckle up, there may be turbulence!
Right now, I'm struggling to keep my balance, my sanity, while being pulled in so many different directions. I have 3 wild sweet loving boys. I have a loving supportive husband. I have a loving family, loyal friends, great pets, and many interests. Not too bad, if I do say so myself.
But like all true to life stories, we've had a lot of drama and trauma over the last few years.
Some things that have happened still haunt me. Some are further out of site, but like to sneak into my consciousness when I'm least expecting them and many I wear on my sleeve. I could probably devote many hours to that, but at the moment, I'm too exhausted. So let's take things a little at a time. After all, this is just a summary.
Part of walking the tightrope for me is balancing my emotional side and my logical side. My family has been known to comment that I actually ooze emotions. So often, my emotional side breaks me down, tires me out, and leads to actual physical effects. This needs to stop! Hopefully this blog will help me to "see" things more clearly, to dissect my feelings about things, and look at them with an eye turned towards logic.
I also need to find balance in my future plans. I left a career that was just beginning when I had Collin. I chose to stay home with my children, because it was what was right for myself, my children, and my family. It was a willing sacrifice, but a sacrifice all the same. But 10 years later, my youngest is going to start half day kindergarten. Then the year after that all three of my boys will be in school all day! I'm scared to death!
Why, you ask? Do remember being little and everyone asked you what you wanted to be when you grew up? I used to think I wanted to be a princes warrior animal doctor explorer scientist, photographer astronaut dancer. That's all well and good when you're 5, but I'm going to be 35 this year. And I want to be a naturalist herbalist natural body care product maker lactation consultant writer warrior princess!! Yes, I'm conflicted. I'm hoping that I can use this blog to help me work through that as well.
So "Walking the Tightrope" will hopefully help me keep my balance while amusing other people while I'm at it! Hope you enjoy!
Right now, I'm struggling to keep my balance, my sanity, while being pulled in so many different directions. I have 3 wild sweet loving boys. I have a loving supportive husband. I have a loving family, loyal friends, great pets, and many interests. Not too bad, if I do say so myself.
But like all true to life stories, we've had a lot of drama and trauma over the last few years.
Some things that have happened still haunt me. Some are further out of site, but like to sneak into my consciousness when I'm least expecting them and many I wear on my sleeve. I could probably devote many hours to that, but at the moment, I'm too exhausted. So let's take things a little at a time. After all, this is just a summary.
Part of walking the tightrope for me is balancing my emotional side and my logical side. My family has been known to comment that I actually ooze emotions. So often, my emotional side breaks me down, tires me out, and leads to actual physical effects. This needs to stop! Hopefully this blog will help me to "see" things more clearly, to dissect my feelings about things, and look at them with an eye turned towards logic.
I also need to find balance in my future plans. I left a career that was just beginning when I had Collin. I chose to stay home with my children, because it was what was right for myself, my children, and my family. It was a willing sacrifice, but a sacrifice all the same. But 10 years later, my youngest is going to start half day kindergarten. Then the year after that all three of my boys will be in school all day! I'm scared to death!
Why, you ask? Do remember being little and everyone asked you what you wanted to be when you grew up? I used to think I wanted to be a princes warrior animal doctor explorer scientist, photographer astronaut dancer. That's all well and good when you're 5, but I'm going to be 35 this year. And I want to be a naturalist herbalist natural body care product maker lactation consultant writer warrior princess!! Yes, I'm conflicted. I'm hoping that I can use this blog to help me work through that as well.
So "Walking the Tightrope" will hopefully help me keep my balance while amusing other people while I'm at it! Hope you enjoy!
My first post!
EEEEK! Somehow, now that's I've got a blog, I can't think of anything to say!! Well, I guess I'll start with the biggest happening around here recently.
A little over 2 weeks ago, I heard what my mommy brain interpreted as one of my boys throwing up in their room. So I bounded out of bed and was in the room in less than a couple of seconds, while Chris was still trying to figure out what was going on. What I saw was not what I expected, and even now, my stomach hurts thinking about it.
My oldest son was laying on his bed, but he wasn't throwing up. Instead he was having a tonic clonic seizure. His whole body was thrashing about and he sounded like he was gagging. I screamed to my husband, "He's seizing!!!!" Chris rushed in, and I rushed downstairs for the phone. Wouldn't you know it? The upstairs phone had broken that day.
I had the first aide mantra going on in my head. 1. Make sure he's on his side. 2. Make sure he can't hit his head. (Well, he had been sleeping on his side and was on his bed. If you're going to have a seizure, that's the place to do it.) 3. Get help.
I got down the stairs saying to myself, over and over again, 'call 911, call 911, call 911'. Without being asked, I told them my 10 year old son was having a tonic clonic seizure, never had one before, and our address. I think I said it all in one breath.
Collin had stopped seizing by then, and Chris had carried all 88lbs of his limp form down the steps. He was in that post-dictal state. He couldn't respond and his brain still needed to reboot. Finally, he was able to grunt at us when we called his name, and before we got to the hospital, he could hold a conversation. When he responded angrily to the EMT when she asked him if he had accidentally or on purpose taken someone else's medicine, I was so relieved. This was my baby. LOL!
Our biggest fear, after he was able to respond to us, was if he had had a bleed in his brain. You see, four years before, my husband, Chris, had walked into the living room to me having a tonic clonic seizure. Again, no history whatsoever. I have a snarl of capillaries in my brain that had caused a bleed. That set my brain off into status epilepticus, a nasty little thing were you seize again and again without actually having time for your brain or your body to really calm down. So you can imagine our fear.
But the CT scan and blood work were fine, so they sent us home with strict instructions to get an MRI and a sleep deprived EEG ASAP. We were scheduled for an MRI on Sunday and EEG on Monday. Chris took Collin to the EEG. He hadn't been home more than an hour when the phone rang.
Chris came out of the kitchen and said that it was the pediatric neurologist and he needed to see us today. It was 10 am and our appointment was 3 pm. It was the longest 5 hours of my life. Chris and I kept looking at each other and trying not to dissolve into tears.
Do you know how long it takes to get into see a neurologist, let alone a pediatric neurologist? A lot longer than an hour. All I could think of was a tumor. You know how your mind jumps to the absolute worse case scenario, even though your gallantly trying to hang on to your logic? That was us.
F.i.n.a.l.l.y 3 pm rolled around. We played cards in the waiting room. My hands were shaking so badly that I could barely hold the card. We went into the office and the doctor calmly asked us numerous questions. I sat there screaming in my head, "Tell me what's wrong! NOW!!". Eventually, he told us the MRI was fine. Sigh of relief. At last, he shows us the EEG. And there, clear as day are these jagged up and down lines. Collin had a seizure disorder.
Can you believe that I actually smiled at that? That's right, because it wasn't a bleed and it wasn't a tumor. I turned to Chris as we left and said, "This, I can handle."
Am I handling it? I'm still sleeping on the futon mattress in the boy's room. But I am actually sleeping. So that's a huge change from a week ago when Collin's every turn, grunt, mumble, breath gave me an adrenaline rush. All I could do was watch him all night and picture his poor little body seizing while there was nothing I could do but watch. I know it will continue to get better with time and a baby monitor so I can go back to sleeping in my room.
So yes, I can handle this.
A little over 2 weeks ago, I heard what my mommy brain interpreted as one of my boys throwing up in their room. So I bounded out of bed and was in the room in less than a couple of seconds, while Chris was still trying to figure out what was going on. What I saw was not what I expected, and even now, my stomach hurts thinking about it.
My oldest son was laying on his bed, but he wasn't throwing up. Instead he was having a tonic clonic seizure. His whole body was thrashing about and he sounded like he was gagging. I screamed to my husband, "He's seizing!!!!" Chris rushed in, and I rushed downstairs for the phone. Wouldn't you know it? The upstairs phone had broken that day.
I had the first aide mantra going on in my head. 1. Make sure he's on his side. 2. Make sure he can't hit his head. (Well, he had been sleeping on his side and was on his bed. If you're going to have a seizure, that's the place to do it.) 3. Get help.
I got down the stairs saying to myself, over and over again, 'call 911, call 911, call 911'. Without being asked, I told them my 10 year old son was having a tonic clonic seizure, never had one before, and our address. I think I said it all in one breath.
Collin had stopped seizing by then, and Chris had carried all 88lbs of his limp form down the steps. He was in that post-dictal state. He couldn't respond and his brain still needed to reboot. Finally, he was able to grunt at us when we called his name, and before we got to the hospital, he could hold a conversation. When he responded angrily to the EMT when she asked him if he had accidentally or on purpose taken someone else's medicine, I was so relieved. This was my baby. LOL!
Our biggest fear, after he was able to respond to us, was if he had had a bleed in his brain. You see, four years before, my husband, Chris, had walked into the living room to me having a tonic clonic seizure. Again, no history whatsoever. I have a snarl of capillaries in my brain that had caused a bleed. That set my brain off into status epilepticus, a nasty little thing were you seize again and again without actually having time for your brain or your body to really calm down. So you can imagine our fear.
But the CT scan and blood work were fine, so they sent us home with strict instructions to get an MRI and a sleep deprived EEG ASAP. We were scheduled for an MRI on Sunday and EEG on Monday. Chris took Collin to the EEG. He hadn't been home more than an hour when the phone rang.
Chris came out of the kitchen and said that it was the pediatric neurologist and he needed to see us today. It was 10 am and our appointment was 3 pm. It was the longest 5 hours of my life. Chris and I kept looking at each other and trying not to dissolve into tears.
Do you know how long it takes to get into see a neurologist, let alone a pediatric neurologist? A lot longer than an hour. All I could think of was a tumor. You know how your mind jumps to the absolute worse case scenario, even though your gallantly trying to hang on to your logic? That was us.
F.i.n.a.l.l.y 3 pm rolled around. We played cards in the waiting room. My hands were shaking so badly that I could barely hold the card. We went into the office and the doctor calmly asked us numerous questions. I sat there screaming in my head, "Tell me what's wrong! NOW!!". Eventually, he told us the MRI was fine. Sigh of relief. At last, he shows us the EEG. And there, clear as day are these jagged up and down lines. Collin had a seizure disorder.
Can you believe that I actually smiled at that? That's right, because it wasn't a bleed and it wasn't a tumor. I turned to Chris as we left and said, "This, I can handle."
Am I handling it? I'm still sleeping on the futon mattress in the boy's room. But I am actually sleeping. So that's a huge change from a week ago when Collin's every turn, grunt, mumble, breath gave me an adrenaline rush. All I could do was watch him all night and picture his poor little body seizing while there was nothing I could do but watch. I know it will continue to get better with time and a baby monitor so I can go back to sleeping in my room.
So yes, I can handle this.
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